
The tallow was waxing hot. The quiddity of one animal seeping into that of another. A miscegenation of the dead. All hollowed out and shorn of any substance, he lacked for a mediating sea of affectivity by which to feel anything such as heat.
Petrous as rock he may be, but his topography was ineluctably changing. A runnel melt was forging a path through him. Denuding his outcrop, even as fresh deposits adhered themselves to his shifting relief. Something tall and mighty, an obelisk perhaps, had been lodged into his cranium.
The casuistries of his mind under Inquisition, meant that feasibly, it might not be wax pooling within the trepanned skull. He may have once played host to Adam, buried at Golgotha beneath the Cross, with the Saviour's blood dripping down to wash away all mankind's collective sin. Yet, if he chance hailed originally from the East, cupping blood in such manner manifested a renunciation of the material world. Presently he just couldn't quite come by his co-ordinates, strappado'ed as he was an inch above the dust. The sebaceous wax slithering out over his eyes and running down to his chin. Usually there was a snake draped over, around or through him, but seemingly not tonight. Possibly off sloughing its skin somewhere. With his sightless orbs, he couldn't descry what the scribe was writing. It wasn't only the script he failed to discern. Lacking for the fleshy outposts that were the ears, agglomerated by their convoluted ducting, he couldn't even deduce whether the likely scratchings might be those of a quill or a pen. For want of a nose, there was no scenting whether it was ink or blood being transfused. But he might bask in the glory he was reflecting. That whatever the method of delivery of word to paper, was only possible because of the light he was bearing.
A globule of liquid wax ran down the candle and dribbled down the exterior of his stony aspect. It continued its course until hardening just under one of the orbs. Its reinforced bur projected upwards across the lower ridge of the eye portal. An ossified droplet. A frozen tear. As lambent shadows goaded him, that where the dwindling candle resided currently, there once sat some grey matter. Bearing its own taper of contemplation, consciousness and character. Before the act of being snuffed out. Being replayed night after night with the hiss of the flame extinguished between the writer's moistened finger and thumb. One might have mistaken it for the snake announcing its reappearance. But lacking for ears and indeed for being 'One' at all, the skull stared sightlessly on in mineral numbness. He wasn't even aware that his light had just gone out. He still imagined he was beset by the braying shadows flaying him.
* * *
I had grown weary of French girls. Of their insouciant racism at least. It's one thing for tiny deferrals based on uncertainty in the face of the exotic, but when they were founded on alien disdain... The Indochine novelty of me had appreciably waned. They no longer bothered to distinguish whether I was Cambodian or Vietnamese. Both were now at war with America, so I was ineffably oppressed and worthy of championing from afar, right under their turned up noses. Besides, I wore a linen suit and leather soles rather than Viet Cong trousers and Uncle Ho sandals.
I took a ferry and expurgated my gutful of France into the English Channel. I say I sicked up into the waters, but the wind was such most of it blew back into my face. The Mekong it wasn't. I must have given the squawking seagulls a good cackle.
I took up with an English girl and moved into her apartment. We lived up (down) to the separation implied by the word. The English equivalent is a "Flat". Take your pick of either, you wouldn't be too far amiss. She was a David Bowie fan and dressed head to toe in black. It wasn't clear to me what she was in mourning for. Both lux and luxus perhaps. She had Baudelaire's "Fleurs du Mal" inked on her pallid wrists. Utilising her venous network for the stems, she merely crested them with the blood black petals dripping venomous sap. She looked like a bubo plague victim if the light wasn't right. And in dismal London, that was usually the case.
We had not one iota in common, other than my second language. She couldn't actually speak a word of French, but begged me to read impious Charles' words to her, so she could match them to her rote recall of the English. And thereby frottage herself into death-ecstasy.
And when she was all spent and hors de combat, I was left to my own devices. Possessed of nothing other than to speculate how my life had come to this cul de sac. Dwelling with a faux beaux artiste, in a room chokingly full of mock memento mori, having hollow hand-held orgasms. Everything about our shared life was counterfeit. Accordingly I essayed her consideration of Milton's Hellish visions, but she only had clotted ears and closed eyes for her ink betrothed Charles. Open-armed beseeching me with his sickly flowers. Too much gaudy glitter and gilt procurable by Milton's Mammon, compared with Charles' bestowing of black curtains, black framed oval mirrors and black antimacassars on her heavy wooden heirloom furniture. She had even placed a plastic black orchid in the top of a real human skull. Presumably the cavities where sensory soft tissue formerly resided, would entail the skull bleeding any water and therefore obliged the pseudo bloom. Something that could never wither and die.
I pulled back a drape to admit some light into the room, but the dust pall immediately vaulted on to the feeble rays and cudgelled them to the ground. I peered out, taking cognizance of the redoubtable Georgian crescents and Victorian arcades trellising London's vista. Paeans to wealth and commerce and sturdy common sense. Unlike the idiosyncratic flourishes and chimerical blusters Paris possessed atop the few old buildings left from pre-Haussmann days. With their lugubrious grinning gargoyles squatting flying buttresses, the French seemed to settle for mineral expressions of their dark and unknown parts. Whereas the English tried to embrace them in flesh, even inking them skin deep. But their repression and sense of decorum always thrust it back down underground.
I decided that London was to be the fourth and final stop on my Petit Tour (Germany and Poland had been first on my itinerary). There were only so many churches and sepulchres erected by or for men I'd never heard of, that an Oriental lad like me can stomach. We Buddhists had skirted the need for memento mori in how we coped with mortality. I satisfied myself with signing off with a blood red 'A' on the outside plane of the black curtain and then encircled it. So that the next time an Anti-War demonstration tramped this way, my otherworldly girlie would be unwittingly showing solidarity. Up until now, she had merely been flying the flag for militant Islam, if there was even such a thing here on London's genteel colonial streets. Such disarray of symbols and emblems and colours. All that chagrin from black, not even a colour at all, but rather the absence of colour and light. Me, I was going to return home and join Brother Number 1's liberation struggle. I too would be encased head to toe in black there, but with a splash of colour from my kroma. Symbol of the Khmer soul.
* * *
Standing as a testament to what? An indeterminate time ago, I was slumped beneath soil. Thin reedy soil that would not grow anything until the likes of me sowed it with my niggardly nutrients. More of a trench than a grave really. Dug with our own hands, intended to bring the water of life to the fields. Instead we silted it up with our dead mass. A human compost, pressing down on one another. Sinew and fat already tenderised by hard labour under a burning sun, further pulped as the malnourished body turns in on itself for meagre sustenance. An organic soup laced with collagen stock. All flesh quickly draining away from its bone housing. Playing host to writhing maggots. More numerous in this pit, than the white rice grains we were charged with threshing from the paddy. Pummelled rice and skull fractures. The twin symbols of our pestilential Revolution.
I merited my punishment. I deserve to be purified.
I had lost my Khmer soul. My heart tainted by pestilential European virulence. The stem borer of capitalism. I was consumed by possessions. Motivated by owning things instead of sharing them with the brothers and sisters of my kindred Khmer. My corruption calls only for steel rebuke to the back of my skull. To purge the decadence therein. I call for the use of a hoe to stamp the failure of my commitment to Angkar in kind. An indelible tattoo of degeneration. It is entirely fitting that the punishment is to be delivered by a stripling of a boy. Someone wholly dedicated to the Organisation and unsullied by the past. Free of infestation from abroad. Inoculated by Angkar against the infection of foreign bodies of ideas. Would that I have been so clean in my soul. Foolishly I brought this upon myself and those agents I was in league with. This is my signed testimony.
My confession was cremated, but I never was.Yet then they dug me and my fellows up from the fields. Brought us back inside this building, our last billet. An unwholesome place of pain and weakness. But they did not bring us inside to return to our families, how could they since our remains are utterly featureless? Nor did they bring us inside in our entirety, again how could they from that jumbled morass where we leaked and blended ourselves one to another? They brought in only our skulls to stand in place for our complete corporeality. Our divested humanity. The skull as the most characteristic part of man.
I demand to be cremated and join with my ancestors. Again we were heaped one on top of another.
A testament to what? We resemble little more than a neatly arrayed Chinese medicine market stall. Other than our limitless supply.
A pyramid is still inevitably a hierarchy. It is my burden to be near the top of the pile. Weighing down on those beneath me, not that any of us can feel anything. But it assists my sightless eyes in scanning as many of the photos up on the museum walls. Looking to catch my likeness. To put flesh back on the bones. Partially burned photos. Photos attacked by water from when they lay hurriedly discarded in puddles. These are the ones that have been rescued. Fragments of memories of people who no longer exist. There are too few left behind to identify them. Photos of many when they were brought in. Photos of others prior to being carried out. The eyes could be either open or shut in both. Those open imploring 'what madness is this?' and being answered with a bullet or a shovel to the back of the head. Those closed already knew the answer. I'm curious to see which my eyes reveal. But I have yet to locate myself up in the gallery.
A testament to what? In the West, you cannot try a man in a court if he is shown to be insane. So how can we put on trial the insanity that occurred here? It is beyond the abilities of any head, even one with its grey matter still in residence. So just how are we emptied and scooped out skulls, supposed to illuminate anything? There is to be no enlightenment, Occidental or Buddhist Oriental. You are denying me my rebirth. Like Angkar's murderous midwife throttling the Khmer nation from emerging into the light.
Now we sit behind glass. In a museum collecting no dust, since there is no skin renewal. Peered at by curious and uncomprehending eyes. Also by inappropriate and licentious eyes from the West in increasing cases. Some of whom mock us with their skull earrings, skull belt buckles, skull tattoos, skull badges and skull T-shirts. A stop on their Grand Tour of mass death. Serbia's Skull Tower. Herod's biblical Golgotha. Ancient Rome's catacombs and Mayan sacrificial ziggurats. Tamerlane's Isfahan. All marked by skulls heaped up into mounds.
A testament to what? Death's head skulls, where our lower jaw has fallen away. Not the pristine and intact designs wrought in tawdry silver and ink, reflected in this glass where which I am housed as they lean in to peer lovingly on us.
You are the reason why I am encased in here. Perched like bowling balls with no lane to pound, racked up like pool balls with the frame still in place, I have no choice but to regard the appalled ones. Viewing us through fingers splayed over their eyes. Or with hand covering the shocked yawn of their dropped mouths. Or clamped to the sides of their heads, sealing their ears, even though there is nothing to hear in this desolate place, since even the crickets have relocated, albeit not by forced collectivisation. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. There is no need. Just head into the next room and infuse the ambience. Then look down at the torture implements.
A testament to what? To this country past? This nation past? This people past? This government past? This sudden history? I assert that I am pure Khmer. As defined by the governing bodies of the world. For one cannot commit genocide against your own people. People of the same genus as you. I was exhumed, but since forensically I was proved to hail from the same stirps as the murderers, I formed no part of any judicial process. Instead I am to mark time on display here.
A testament to what? That rather than the term genocide, we need one for species-cide?
The bereaved census takers attempt to poll the dead. Counting us with tremulous fingers. Yet are we not already a human abacus? Skull beads packed so rigidly together, we cannot simply slide ourselves along towards discrete ordination. But like everything within this destitute spasm, that counts as an economy. No need to lash us together with the electric cable by which we were burned. Or the chains that tethered our broken bodies to the beds. So such bindings can stand as a testament in the next room.
A testament to what? At least we don't have to gaze sightlessly on them for an eternity. That would be an indignity and a torment.
I command you to release my soul into the care of my ancestors. They soon lose count, wiping a tear from their populated eye. They are forced to shrug away the transposing of scale wrought by the Revolution. (Hey, the French Jacobins abolished the Christian calendar. Ours was reset at Year Zero and never advanced the date). If you really cared for our fates, you would smash the glass and liberate us from this new prison. You would offer each one of us up to a family in mourning and let them cremate us to honour the proxy dead. But no, you shuffle past meekly and bow your heads. Leaving us to stand as silent testimony.
Testament to what? We can't stand for anything, for we have no legs. In Auschwitz they have a glass display of discarded shoes to try and represent the scale. Why could we not do that here as well? Our inner tube sandals, or have you Peace Criminals recycled them back into tyres? J'accuse you of not setting us free to join our ancestors.
For they couldn't even spare the bullets because they needed them for their paltry war effort. Charcoal instead of electricity? Barter replacing money? Herbs in place of medicines? And they expected to build the new Kampuchea on such foundations? The Nazis constructed an industrial killing machine for their genocide and we hit people over the head with shovels? Impaled them with sharpened bamboo? Was the Khmer way supposed to be a cottage industry of death? Market gardening corpses? You planted us in the fields. Along with steel landmines blossoming ball bearing shrapnel. You reap what you sow. The earth here is dead. Stumps for legs among the living. Was that the return to the traditional Khmer way you envisaged? I possessed great knowledge of the soil. I had studied it at the same French Universities Angkar's leaders attended. Yet I could not own up to my roots, even though I knew your strategies would fail. I could not speak out and defy the Organisation by offering to assist it. Yet by not offering up my knowledge of how to put things right, I also defied the progress of the Revolution. It was inevitable I would be punished. All testaments have to be silent in this hushed zone for no one speaks out.
So I mouth again to you. What exactly am I a testament to?The Church masters with their painter propagandists were in error. There is no lingering consciousness idling in an empty skull. there is no communion to be had here with the tourists peering through the glass. The skull can only signify one thing, that either natural forces, or at the hand of some human agency, the host has been breached, stripped and excoriated. The destruction of that consciousness is utter and complete. Nothing can stand for its memory. No photo, no marked gravestone, no skull displayed openly. What lies beneath the skin? Only our mortality. You cut down a tree to count its rings and in doing so ensure there will be no more added to it.
You do the persecutors and murderers proud. You honour the effacing of humanity they sought after by keeping me here."Angkar needs a new people. Pure and hard working". How were you planning to remodel our bodies? They still require nourishment, enough to fuel us out in the fields. You had a head start, for were not virtually all men ordained at some time in their life as monks? Each exposed to ascetic discipline, we might have coped with poor rations. But you stripped the spiritual striving from any dedication and substituted only violence and immoderation. Our bones still yield and crack before metal scourges, such as shovels and hoes. When you flayed us of our flesh, were our skeletons not the same as they have always been in mankind? Where was this revolutionary new man? Not in the callow youths who you grew and watered as if in flowerpots. The incredulity in the eyes of my silent interrogators here in the museum, offers up no less enlightenment than the blank visages of the boy soldier assassins.
Standing as a testament to what? To the great evil that still pervades this place? That pervades countrywide? Let me tell you of your part in perpetuating it still further. As insane as the Revolutionary programme was, if we didn't produce enough rice, it was because the spirits were on the rampage for us not propitiating them. The more killings by The Organisation, the more besach demons they propagated. Us khmoc ghosts toiling in the fields, those dead eyed pret demons with guns. Three sets of spirits, locked in perpetual conflict for ever diminishing offerings. All looking for their souls to be released. The world has driven the evil demons back, but they still stalk this soil demanding their food. And even though I have died a violent death and ought to seek recompense, you have incarcerated me again, this time behind glass. Still a khmoc, though one who cannot wander. I absolutely compel you to set me free, so I may rejoin my ancestors in peace.
Standing as a testament to what? To mankind? Only if you turn us around and display us with the bullet holes or the metal borne depressions that ushered in mortality like a whistling wind. Nothing stirs here in this place. Even the breeze is too frightened, too ashamed to gird itself and blow away the evil. I stand as a testament to mankind in such circumstances. But I do not stand uniquely. I beg you to cremate me and send my soul into the bosom of my Khmer ancestors.

* * * * *
I was too young really to be involved with the anti-war movement protesting American involvement in Indochina. I remember the footage of the Americans leaving Saigon, but without the context leading up to that point, it didn't particularly resonate with me, beyond the images themselves, of helicopters taking off from rooftops and leaving others forlornly behind.
I was 15 years old when The Vietnamese ousted Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge regime from power in Cambodia in 1979. I was vaguely aware of it, but was probably more actively debating post-punk's merits over its punk rock progenitors. Gang Of Four, Three Johns, Mekons (Mekongs?) "Apocalypse Now" also came out in 1979 and was my second under age 18 movie I attended and it blew my mind. An older relative pointed out the resonances of the Doors' song "The End" as used in the film. He also encouraged me to read Conrad's "Heart Of Darkness" and TS Eliot's "The Wasteland" & "The Hollow Men" with reference to Coppola's film. Somewhere swirling around all these formative influences, a seam was being laid down that would wait 30 years before I could quarry it.
Like many, The Dead Kennedys song "Holiday In Cambodia" thrust Cambodia very much to the fore of my consciousness. It was released a year after the end of Khmer Rouge rule. But time passed and I wrote on Northern Ireland (conflict on my doorstep), The Middle East (conflict within my community) - particularly the Beirut Hostages which I chose to express through the medium of dance (I kid you not. A short version was performed at the London New Playwrights' Festival). As part of generalising the piece to take it away from Beirut and the Middle East itself, I explored lots of music and dance forms from India and South East Asia. Cambodia formed part of my research, still bubbling under therefore, but I struggled to get hold of any folk music which was key to that particular piece.
Having turned from the stage to prose, I wrote about a homegrown suicide bomber from Yorkshire and the whole 'War On Terror' phenomenon. Another novel also about Post-Peace Agreement Northern Ireland seems to have tied off my nagging loose ends on that subject too. Finally, at the beginning of 2010, my decks are clear from other hotspot themes, plus what I wanted to write about Cambodia finally found its form to take.
It is morbid. It is a tough emotional read. I make no apologies for this. Trying to grapple with the scale of the atrocities and to penetrate the underlying thought processes behind such bloodshed demanded some sort of treatment in kind. A metaphor to allow access certainly, (the metaphor of the skull) but not one that hides the abomination of it all.
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